one day

wish you were here

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

- Pink Floyd

Frightened Rabbit - My Backwards Walk

I'm working on erasing you

I just don't have the proper tools

I get hammered, forget that you exist

There's no way I'm forgetting this

...

I'm working on my backwards walk

There's nowhere else for me to go

Except back to you just one last time

Say yes before I change my mind

...

You're the shit and I'm knee deep in it.

You're the shit and I'm knee deep in it.

come back

*from the movie Atonement*

Sometimes this is all I want to say. Too bad it's not that simple.

What Do You Want

Jerrod Niemann - What Do You Want

Why�d you call me today with nothing new to say? You pretend it�s just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.

Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin� to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin� me back, takin� me back where I�ve already been.
When we hang up it�s almost like I�m losing you again.
Can�t you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?
�
What do you want me to say? That I�m content? That I�m on the fence? That I wish you would�ve stayed?

Oh baby what do you want, what do you want, what do you want from me?
To come here and make love tonight cause you�re feelin� lonely.
You keep takin� me back, takin� me back where I�ve already been.
When we wake up and say goodbye it�s like I�m losing you again.
Can�t you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?
What do you want, what do you want from me?

broke

Expectation

Is it so wrong to have expectations?

A lot of people have been telling me lately that I just shouldn't have them anymore. On one hand I understand that because I shouldn't set myself up, and keep getting let down, but on the other if someone meant that much to me and I to them (supposedly), shouldn't expectations be allowed? Shouldn't you expect them to be there for you and do nice things for you and to love you? Shouldn't you hope that they're going to keep their promises? Especially when you love them regardless of their faults.

Obviously I know that some people aren't going to do these things because of selfishness or other reasons, but I don't think that you should give up on your expectations. It's kind of like settling.

However, I feel like William had it right...expectation can cause a great deal of heartache. Unfortunately I know this firsthand. I'm sure most people do. But I'm not going to give up on expecting to be treated well. I may not always act like it or feel like it, but I know I deserve it. I just hope that one day I find someone that is going to fulfill those expectations. Let's be honest, they're not that big. I'm a pretty simple girl when it comes to love.

music and lyrics

For me, music has and always will be a big part of my life. I've played instruments since I was little. I've danced since I was little. I'm the girl who sings even when she doesn't sound good...in the car, at work, anywhere really. You can use it to convey lots of emotions. It can make you want to jump around and dance, sing, or celebrate. It can make a workout a whole lot easier. It can also make you want to cry, or at the same time comfort you. As I've said for before, sometimes it seems like a song is meant just for you.

On a recent episode of Glee, Rachel has a hard time writing a song, because she isn't able to reach down far enough into herself. Until she experiences true pain, she doesn't find the right lyrics and emotion to really get that good song. I think this is why I love music so much. Because it's real. Because it's people's real experiences and emotions. Whether happy or sad, fun or heartbreaking...a truly good and lasting song usually comes from a real place in the writer or singers heart, or whatever you want to call it.

I think this is also why on numerous occasions I turn to music when I'm having a hard time. Or possibly why I'll burst into tears during a song in the car during these times. Like recently during this song:

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause
I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

I've always loved this song. But I think hearing a song at a certain point in your life has a different effect on you. Yet another reason I love music. It can change meanings at different times too. It can also bring back certain memories. I guess that can sometimes be bad.

Anyway, this song yet again describes exactly how I felt the other night. It's like all the hurt that I'm feeling, someone else already felt when they wrote this song. The line "I wonder if I ever cross your mind" will not stop going through my head...and I cannot sleep. Of course this relates a little bit to my post "say what you need to say". This all sounds very vague, I know, but I just don't want to throw the whole story out there. I just use this place to get my feelings out enough that I feel a little better. But I think almost everybody could relate to this lyric. Hasn't everybody wondered that at some point? It hurts and it's just slightly stressful.

If you hadn't noticed I've been having one of those "bad weeks". Lots of confusing stuff going on...I'm hoping things will get figured out soon, but until then I guess I will just continue to sing in the car at the stop of my lungs and have a good cry when I need it. After all, the artist wrote the song for other people to either enjoy or to sympathize with right? And since when does a good cry not just make you feel a little better every once in a while?

somewhere with you

The other day I wrote a blog about Adele's song "Rolling in the Deep". I talked about how it's one of those songs that speaks to you. Sometimes it seems like a song was written just for you. Sometimes a song just means something to you at a certain time and you just need it. This weekend this was my song. I think it explains exactly what my heart is feeling. You know how sometimes you have the words, but you almost don't know how to say them...I feel like I knew what to say, but this just makes them sound so much better. I was out of town this weekend on a super fun trip, but at the same time I was having a slightly emotional time on the inside. Maybe Kenny just knew what I was feeling.

Somewhere With You - Kenny Chesney

If you're going out
With someone new
I'm going out
With someone too

I won't feel sorry for me
I'm getting drunk
But I'd much rather be
Somewhere with you

Laughing loud on a carnival ride, yeah
Driving around on a Saturday night
You made fun of me for singing my song
Got a hotel room just to turn you on

You said pick me up at 3 a.m.
You're fighting with your mom again
And I'd go, I'd go, I'd go
Somewhere with you, yeah

I won't sit
Outside your house
And wait for the lights
To go out

Call up an ex
To rescue me
Climb in their bed when I'd much rather sleep
Somewhere with you

Like we did on the beach last summer
When the rain came down and we took cover
Down in your car, out by the pier
You laid me down, whispered in my ear

I hate my life, hold on to me
Ah, if you ever decide to leave
Then I'll go, I'll go, I'll go

I can go out every night of the week
Can go home with anybody I meet
But it's just a temporary high
'Cause when I close my eyes

I'm somewhere with you
Somewhere with you

If you see me
Out on the town
And it looks like
I'm burning it down

You won't ask
And I won't say
But in my heart I'm always
Somewhere with you

Laughing loud on a carnival ride, yeah
Driving around on a Saturday night
You made fun of me for singing my song
Got a hotel room just to turn you on

You said pick me up at 3 a.m.
You're fighting with your mom again
And I'd go, I'd go, I'd go

I can go out every night of the week
Can go home with anybody I meet
But it's just a temporary high
'Cause when I close my eyes

I'm somewhere with you
Somewhere with you
Somewhere with you
I'm somewhere with you

Somewhere with you
Somewhere with you
Somewhere with you

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

I'm obsessed with this song (well her whole album, as I've stated before) right now. It's one of those songs that kind of just speaks to you and just fits. You know how sometimes you just sort of latch onto a certain song for a while...I love this one. I belt it in the car. Yeah, I'm the girl who you see driving on the freeway just singing along and I don't care who stares at me. Sometimes I'm even crying. HA. But that's just me. It's one of those therapies that I talked about in my Taylor Swift post. I wish I had Adele's...(or Taylor's) voice.

Anyway, take a listen and I hope you enjoy as much as I do.

*I love this video too*

Adele - Rolling in the Deep

There's a fire starting in my heart,

Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark,

Finally, I can see you crystal clear,

Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your sheet bare,

See how I'll leave with every piece of you,

Don't underestimate the things that I will do,

There's a fire starting in my heart,

Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark,

The scars of your love remind me of us,

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all,

The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,

I can't help feeling,

We could have had it all,

(You're gonna wish you never had met me),

Rolling in the deep,

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),

You had my heart inside of your hands,

(You're gonna wish you never had met me),

And you played it to the beat,

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),

Baby, I have no story to be told,

But I've heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn,

Think of me in the depths of your despair,

Make a home down there as mine sure won't be shared,

The scars of your love remind me of us,

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all,

The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,

I can't help feeling,

We could have had it all,

Rolling in the deep,

You had my heart inside of your hands,

Throw your soul through every open door,

Count your blessings to find what you look for,

Turn my sorrow into treasured gold,

You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you've sown,

We could have had it all,

We could have had it all,

It all, it all, it all,

hello, i miss you

Analyze This...

Having a lot of emotions today...hate those days right?

I analyze to the point of exhaustion. I don't know why I do it. It might be the perfectionist in me. When I can't control a situation, this is how I deal with it. I usually automatically assume the worst. I get hurt that way too. But sometimes my analyzing makes it so that I don't get hurt worse later.

Right now I sort of feel like every little last piece is being taken away from me. I don't want to lose the whole thing. I'm not ready for that yet. Yes, I am probably over analyzing, but I make no apologies for how I try and get over something, or how I keep it from hurting me more. I go into defense mode. Maybe I shouldn't do that. Maybe it's one of those things I need to work on during this time as a way of calming down, growing up, and working things out.

Without going into the details, it's just an example of how something very small can come across so different to two different people. One sees it as flat out just a simple question, while the other takes it as insight into their "relationship". It's hard for me though because I feel like I'm sitting here putting effort into figuring things out, not being in contact, and working on certain stuff so that things can possibly happen again in the future. But when the other party doesn't seem to be doing anything to progress or they seem to have already just made up their mind so fast and aren't putting in the same effort...how is that fair? I guess maybe that's why I didn't just see it as a simple question...I had to analyze it, leaving me at the point I am right now. Writing a blog to get all of this off my chest. Never thought that would be me...Anyway, I guess all I'm asking is for that same effort. I just think that if you're deciding something that important in your life there should be an equal effort on both parts. Most people will tell you to just let go of it at that point, but I'm not ready to let go of it yet...especially when you are getting mixed signals.

As my little picture above says, "The people who want to stay in your life will always find a way"...I know who I want in my life. I guess I get to see if it's reciprocated. Then maybe I'll know if I'm ready or able to let go.

I just am not feeling my best about the whole situation today. Some days I'm fine. Some days I'm content and I feel like I'm keeping myself distracted. Today was just a little setback. AND...my flowers are dead :( Just another reminder.

This too shall pass...right?

routine...

"I hate how when someone becomes a part of your daily routine, it's so hard to adjust once you stop talking.

They end up being all you think about."